StinkyLulu on the Queerness of Cruella

posted by StinkyLulu

Cruella De Vil is a wealthy, man-hating fashionista with crypto-lesbian tendencies and a fur fetish. And, as if that weren't enough to make Cruella an especially terrifying villain in the patriarchal Disney universe, Cruella also likes to murder puppies.

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A Tale of Two Kingdoms

Hi all, Tim here.

With Nathaniel off for his first-ever trip to Walt Disney World (he's probably getting to see his first Disney fireworks show right now!), I've found myself thinking a lot about that famous "magic" that happens at the Disney theme parks. It's easy to call that a marketing ploy, because it is, but the thing that always unnerves me a little bit, every time I go to one of the parks (which I do with embarrassing frequency), is how tangible that magic really is. You walk around those stucco and plaster mountains and castles, tiki huts and space stations, and dammit if it's not the easiest thing to think, "yes, I do believe that I am now standing in a fantasy kingdom that is about 200 yards from the Arizona desert."

What I've really been thinking about, though isn't just that ol' Disney magic that they weave so well, it's about how there are really two flavors of that magic, what we might call West Coast versus East Coast if that dichotomy hadn't been used already. Going to Disneyland is a different beast entirely than going to Disney World, as I learned at the age of 17 when I visited the California park after five trips to Florida in twelve years (since my first trip, my Disney World attendance record is once every 2.6 years, which is kind of humiliating). Don't get me wrong, I love the Florida park and I'm absolutely certain that Nathaniel is having the time of his life. But for my money, there's no magic like the magic in the actual Disneyland that Uncle Walt himself created 53 years ago.

There are two differences between Disneyland and WDW's Magic Kingdom that are immediately obvious to even the most insensitive guest. First, Disneyland is plopped right in the middle of a street in downtown Anaheim, which like all of the Los Angeles metropolitan area is virtually indistinguishable from the rest of the Los Angeles metropolitan area to a nonresident; the Magic Kingdom of Florida is in the middle of 30,000 acres of privately-owned swampland. So while the Magic Kingdom feels like part of a giant hidden-away resort (which is, after all, exactly what it is), a place that you journey to and where you stay - and the sense of being disconnected from anything close to reality if you stay at one of the Disney hotels, and take Disney public transit to the parks, and eat Disney food for seven days straight, is the uncanniest thing I have ever felt - Disneyland is, well, it's a fantasy kingdom stuck right there in the middle of a city. One moment you're on the Anaheim sidewalk, the next you're on a Midwest main street in 1910, and you're staring at a fairy castle, and there is not a single square foot of Disneyland from which you can hear the traffic, see the buildings or smell the fumes of the city outside. If that's not magic, I don't know what else is.

The other difference is that Disneyland is tiny. I mean really freaking tiny. Compared to the elegant spires of Cinderella Castle in Florida, Sleeping Beauty Castle looks sort of like the entrance to a suburban mini-golf course. Instead of the giant buildings housing Disney World rides (which must be aboveground, since, y'know, Florida), there are several modest little affairs covering what amount to large subbasements full of rides. At first, this is shocking; but after a little while it becomes absolutely charming - for what is not cuter when made small? - and since everything is cramped together more, without the breezy walkways between Lands found at Disney World, the feeling that the jungle and desert and futuristic spaceport are all jostling in amongst each other is much stronger. You can stand in one Land and look into another in Disneyland, something you just can't do in the Florida park, and that really punches up the feeling that you're in a special place that couldn't possibly exist, but does.

Basically, the difference between the two parks as I see it is that Disney World is trying to construct an alternate reality, where Disneyland is presented as the ultimate unreality. Don't get me wrong - I love Disney World, and having gone there all of eight months ago, I'm already itching just a little bit to get back. But for me, it will always be Walt's little slice of magic in the bustle of the Santa Ana valley that will always be the Happiest Place on Earth.

My Own Private Magic Kingdom

With Nathanial off hobnobbing with Mickey, Minnie and Tigger too I thought it a good time to ponder my own magic kingdoms from the movies. I have many -make that multitudes - from all genres and periods but more often than not they're located somewhere just left of center in the screwball comedy universe of the thirties.

Maybe it's the art deco, maybe it's the fact that everyone enjoys cocktails for lunch instead of Diet Coke or maybe it's the fact that five minutes out of bed and they're either wearing a tuxedo or an evening gown. Whichever it is I know this for sure: I want to spend my afterlife in the Rainbow Club from Topper.

First there's the sign: Elegant, deco, chic.

Then there's the music. If Rumba's not your style...

There's a Hawaiin band that takes over when they go on break.

The dining room has palm trees, mood lighting and champagne buckets aplenty ...

And to get to the second level down...

... you take the slide!

And you get to do it all in a tux and an evening gown with Cary Grant and Constance Bennett. What could be better? Order me up a Cosmopolitan and throw me a bongo. The Rainbow Club awaits.

Anyone else have any Magic Kingdoms of their own from the movies?

Prepare Thyself For The Kingdom Of Magic

This is Nathanial's first visit to the World of the Walt and as a seasoned veteran, I think it only natch that I provide him with a check list of things to see, do and collect whilst at the Happiest Place On Earth. Okay, here we go.

1. Bring money and lots of it. Believe it or not, happiness doesn't come cheap. Tinker Bell Balloons, Pirate Swords and Turkey Legs as big as your thigh cost a pretty penny. I'm waiting for the day that Mickey et. all start charging for autographs.

2. You just have to ride Peter Pan. And when I say that, I'm of course referring to the actual ride.

3. Star Tours at MGM Studios never gets old.

4. Plan to watch a parade at one of the parks. And don't be afraid to sing along.

5. While swimming at your resort, go underwater for a spell and notice they play music.

6. Pirates Of The Caribbean and The Haunted Mansion deserve multiple visits. I find new details every time, and I've ridden them dozens of times.

7. Get to the Magic Kingdom early for the opening of the park. You won't be disappointed.

8. Pecos Bill Cafe right next to Splash Mountain makes a pretty damn good cheeseburger.

9. Pack a couple extra pair of poo poo undies for rides such as Rock N Roll Rollercoaster, Mission: Space, Tower Of Terror and Everest. They're not all terrifying but I sometimes crap myself a bit when riding them.

10. Fast Pass is always a good idea. Always.

11. Indulge in Mickey Mouse Rice Crispy Ears. At least once.

12. Finally, there's no better way to commemorate your first or tenth trip than with a pair of mouse ears. Don't go frilly here because they offer lots of different types of ears (with lights and shit). Once you've purchased your ears, visit the hat shop at the front of Main Street, USA and have your name stitched into it. Nathanial might get a bit cumbersome, so Nat might be a good choice here.

Of course, there are lots of other things I haven't mentioned for fear that I just might end up giving away too many spoilers. Feel free to add your own stuff in the comments.

Happy trails Nat. We may end up crossing paths at the Tea Cups, you never know. And don't forget to look for magic. It's around every corner.

Piper