"Zip!"

Kelly @ the Beach

Kelly Lynch sprawled out on the sand for a photoshoot back in 1989. She was 30 years old.


Does anyone else remember her? 1989 was an important year in her career. She was getting attention for her sparkplug part in Drugstore Cowboy (a fine rental choice if you haven't seen it). Gus Van Sant handed her the funniest line in the movie, delivered to her always high boyfriend Matt Dillon

You never fuck me and I always have to drive.

Like many young actresses A list opportunities didn't really pan out (the competition is insane. Not for the faint of heart these acting careers) but in the right roles she was a keeper. I loved her butch lesbian in Three of Hearts, too.

Time capsule: While Kelly was stretched on the beach, The Little Mermaid was beaching herself and restoring Disney to its former animated hit-machine glory (retrospective). Tim Burton's Batman was the toast of mainstream moviegoers and an archeologist named Indiana Jones was also back in theaters ... again. Franchises made up nearly the entire top ten of 1989. The past nineteen years have noticeably altered many Hollywood careers but they haven't altered moviegoing tastes much. It's still Indy, Batman, franchises and animated films that pack movie houses.


The only thing you'd never see today: Driving Miss Daisy was in that year's top ten grossers. Oscar bait and/or period films rarely rock the multiplex anymore. The audience for them apparently never leaves their TV sets now. I hate to sound supportive of something like Miss Daisy (yeesh, someone hand me some soap. I feel dirty) but here's to variety. It would help the cinema a lot if audiences still wanted a little bit o' that and a little bit o' this on their movie menu. Man cannot live on superheroes and franchises alone. Man will try. Man will eventually get hungry for something else. Maybe in nineteen more years. Here's to 2027!

Under Above the Sea

His Majesty's wedding but one day past was full of surprises. Fowl and fish attacked the wedding party. A beauty of fiery hair known only as Ariel was seen embracing the Prince in the chaos.

The bride to be shocked the royal court by transforming into a grotesque sea witch. Disrupting the nuptials, she abandoned ship dragging young Ariel with her. Brave Prince Eric dived into the stormy waters to rescue the maiden and destroy the foul beast.

Today the wedding will begin anew for our triumphant Prince. The bride Ariel ~ the very rescued mystery maiden herself! ~ will wear a white ball gown with foam green trim and a gold tiara. Prince Eric will be decorated in Royal Navy attire. They will be married under a pink canopy onboard the King's vessel.

The couple will reside in the castle and plan to live happily ever after.

Centuries old public posting archived by Nathaniel R., date unknown. Artist's rendering of the mysterious bride by Jenny Lerew.
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Julianne Moore as Ariel for Disney

In Julianne Moore's ongoing efforts to win me back, she has definitely struck gold. I am hereby renewing my vows. She did it by serenading me under the sea

...under the sea
Darling it's better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me....

What better way to renew our long time love than by portraying Ariel from The Little Mermaid (one of my all-time fav' films) for Annie Leibovitz. This image is for thatDisney Dream series which has featured Whoopi Goldberg as Aladdin's genie, Jessica Biel as Pocahontas (er...), Scarlett Johansson as Cinderella and Mikhail Baryshnikov as Peter Pan in the past]

Julianne and I are officially back together! May we never have a trial separation again. "What about Next with Nicolas Cage?" I hear you asking... "You hated that!"

"Never heard of it!" I reply forcefully before singing 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' whilst covering my ears to block out any more of your evil and petty reminders of dark times I've put behind me.

P.S. 1 Here's Julianne to your left taking her daughter Liv to the Broadway version of The Little Mermaid. Oh the synergy. [image from Broadway.com obviously]

P.S. 2 the Liebovitz photo I got from Towleroad who buried the lead by making this photoshoot all about Michael Phelps as a merman. What?! It's freaking JULIANNE MOORE. Respect! I can't find a better copy of the image for now but I shall search. Oh yes, a sparklingly clear version shall be mine.

Inappropriate Disney Hunks

Um....

Before you click on this link, you'll want to first make certain that you're not offended by beefcake soft-core imagery related to your childhood heroes or maybe your actual child's heroes (perhaps you have young'uns whose taste for repetition has burned every frame of every Disney movie into your brain). However, anyone who loves pop culture imagery that plays irrevently on famous characters in unauthorized ways can stay. I understand both responses. I'm not here to judge: I was once totally scandalized by a naughty drawing I saw of The Smurfs that a classmate showed me in Junior High. But now I tend to giggle like, well, an adolescent. I do things backwards.

Artist David Kawena has taken it upon himself to render several Disney's princes, heroes, and even supporting stars as underwear models. The results are pretty cheeky (pun intended). I love the mermaid tattoo on Prince Eric here to your left, although I think his bedroom stare is way too salacious. If you ask me, it's Ariel that was the horndog in that relationship (see my earlier Little Mermaid retrospective for more on that theory).

Hercules (above) makes the switch with the most ease because you know he'd be the David Beckham of the Toon Town set, he's so vain. But where is Gaston (Beauty & The Beast), his brother in vanity?

My favorite inclusion is probably Thomas from Pocahontas because no one ever speaks of him, but I always dug him as a supporting player. In fact I love that whole movie, naysayers be damned. It's so beautifully animated.

What's more, I always felt that Disney was sending off Thomas-secretly-loves-John Smith vibes. Smith didn't know it --it was kind of a Ben Hur/Messala 1959 type deal... only less risqué.

Whether you think this kind of art project is fun, hot, juvenile, clever, sleazy, too-gay-to-function or offensive, we can all probably agree on one thing: Mel Gibson would not approve of this drawing of his character John Smith.

Once again, here's the whole gallery (site is NSFW)

or click for newest TFE postings



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#98 The Little Mermaid

This is the next installment of my personal canon "Movies I Think About When I Think About the Movies"

American members of Generation Y and Z may have a good deal of trouble imagining this but it's true: once upon a time, animated movies were considered highly uncool. They were strictly for babies. Teenagers disdained them. Adults took their children under duress. They barely caused a ripple at the box office. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences ignored them. CGI was not part of the national vernacular. Strange but true.

In a very short window of time, from November 1989 through February 1992, three major events changed modern perceptions of the animated film in a gargantuan way. Let's take them in reverse order: The final big-bang was the moment when Beauty & the Beast (1991) was nominated for six Oscars including Best Picture, the first (and still only) time that a cartoon has received that pinnacle mainstream honor. The middle part of the three-part revolution was when hipster American audiences began to discover that there was more to the form than Walt Disney. Katsuhiro Ôtomo's anime sci-fi classic Akira was the key that opened the door for anime, now very big and influential business in America. Which brings us to the beginning: the first key event of animation's turnaround was the release of Disney's "28th animated classic" The Little Mermaid; an orgasmic reawakening of the most flexible and fantastical of film mediums.



Continue reading "She's Gotta Have It"...
for more on Ariel's coming of age, Britney Spears and Madonna, the rebirth of the musical, and more --yes, this one's all over the place.

Tags: movies, cinema, The Little Mermaid, moviemusicals musicals, animation,film, Britney Spears, Madonna,Walt Disney, mermaids,cartoon, fairy tale

#98 The Little Mermaid

This is the next installment of my personal canon "Movies I Think About When I Think About the Movies"

American members of Generation Y and Z may have a good deal of trouble imagining this but it's true: once upon a time, animated movies were considered highly uncool. They were strictly for babies. Teenagers disdained them. Adults took their children under duress. They barely caused a ripple at the box office. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences ignored them. CGI was not part of the national vernacular. Strange but true.

In a very short window of time, from November 1989 through February 1992, three major events changed modern perceptions of the animated film in a gargantuan way. Let's take them in reverse order: The final big-bang was the moment when Beauty & the Beast (1991) was nominated for six Oscars including Best Picture, the first (and still only) time that a cartoon has received that pinnacle mainstream honor. The middle part of the three-part revolution was when hipster American audiences began to discover that there was more to the form than Walt Disney. Katsuhiro Ôtomo's anime sci-fi classic Akira was the key that opened the door for anime, now very big and influential business in America. Which brings us to the beginning: the first key event of animation's turnaround was the release of Disney's "28th animated classic" The Little Mermaid; an orgasmic reawakening of the most flexible and fantastical of film mediums.



Continue reading "She's Gotta Have It"...
for more on Ariel's coming of age, Britney Spears and Madonna, the rebirth of the musical, and more --yes, this one's all over the place.

Tags: movies, cinema, The Little Mermaid, moviemusicals musicals, animation,film, Britney Spears, Madonna,Walt Disney, mermaids,cartoon, fairy tale

Thursday Triple: Lobster Mania

In honor of that bizarre new furry (!?) lobster that everyone is talking about this week. Herewith:

Three Classic Crustacean Moments in Pop-Culture


(I apologize for this post. This is just how my brain works...)

Previous Thursday Triples:
Great Oscar Losers
Cross-Eyed Divas
Nature Boys

Thursday Triple: Lobster Mania

In honor of that bizarre new furry (!?) lobster that everyone is talking about this week. Herewith:

Three Classic Crustacean Moments in Pop-Culture


(I apologize for this post. This is just how my brain works...)

Previous Thursday Triples:
Great Oscar Losers
Cross-Eyed Divas
Nature Boys