It's Tuesday. Time for "A History Of..."
1962 Wee infant
Alicia Christian Foster is born in Los Angeles. She will be known, very quickly I must add, as "Jodie". Her mom will pimp her out just two years later for her first professional gig. Over the next 40+ years Alicia will flash
a lot more than her
Coppertone tan.
1968-1973 Jodie on the lam! The young actor skirts child labor law authorities by accreditation as two different actors "Jodie" and "Jody" (her imaginary twin brother?) making 33 TV appearances and 4 movies.
1974 Jody and Jodie make a big impression as a tomboy in Martin Scorsese's
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore.
1976 At the tender age of 14, whilst peers are having slumber parties and talking about cute boys, Jodie stars in three enduring films: One classic,
Taxi Driver, and two family favorites,
Bugsy Malone and
Freaky Friday. Fearing she had accomplished too little that calendar year, she makes two more films, begins work on
Flora Plum, hosts
Saturday Night Live, and moves to France. C'est tout.
1981 Crazy John Hinckley Jr shoots President Reagan in what he claims is an attempt to impress Jodie Foster. It becomes The Subject That Dare Not Speak Its Name in interviews with the actress. Stephen Sondheim later
speaks its name in his musical "Assassins." Meanwhile she attends Yale and adds another undiscussable to her resume: The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Sondheim stays mum.
1984 Jodie emerges from college related obscurity to repeatedly f*** screen brother Rob Lowe in
The Hotel New Hampshire. Hey, he looked like
this. You would too.
Yes, even if you were a lesbian.
1988-1989 Jodie stars as rape victim Sarah Tobias in
The Accused and steals the Oscar from its primary 80s lady-in-waiting Glenn Close in
Dangerous Liaisons whose performance is, by rough estimation, 413 times better.
Freaky Friday Monday, March 29th --That same night Rob Lowe dirty dances with Snow White, wishing it were Jodie all the while.
1991 Anthony Hopkins chews scenery and downs a nice quianti as Hannibal Lecter. Foster becomes
Clarice Starling. They both take home Oscars. But what she really wants to do is direct (
Little Man Tate).
1993-1999 Jodie enters her "romantic" phase, wherein she pleads for the suspension of your disbelief while jumping Richard Gere's bones, flirting with Mel Gibson, trembling with Matthew McConaughey, and making goo goo eyes at Chow Yun Fat. She is more convincing whilst playing
Nell, a freaky twin. Her other half is dead. Hmmmmm. What
did happen to little Jody, anyway?
1997 She offed the wrong brother. Buddy Foster publishes an unauthorized biography,
Sister Dearest "Foster Child"2002-2006 Enters her "trapped in confined spaces in thrillers" period.
... wherein she phones it in from within a high-tech bomb shelter and a big airplane. She mixes it up in
The Inside Man by being
outside of the confined space (a bank) where others are trapped. That Jodie ...always surprising us!
Previous Histories...Gender Bending *
Bald Women *
Sarah Jessica Parker *
Gay Cowboys *
Julianne Moore's Screen Kids *
Gyllenhaaltags:
Jodie Foster,
Stephen Sondheim,
movies,
lesbian,
celebrities,
gossip
OK. So it's 2 AM and I really need to be asleep. But I gotta tell you...I just got back from seeing "The Björk & Barney Show" (AKA Drawing Restraint 9). About 2/3rd of the way through it they went from being the hippest genius couple in the world to something like a highbrow Mickey & Mallory Knox. I'll be sleeping in the fetal position tonight. If I get any sleep at all. 
