Weekly Horoscope (From a Special Guest)

Hi kids, it's Annette. Bening. Mrs. Warren Beatty. Nathaniel can be such an unreliable man. He's only done this column once and already he asks for assistance! But he was very kind to me a year ago (notice the gold medal) so I cleared my schedule. Nathaniel, consider the debt repaid. No more autographed nude portraits of you know who.

So: Horoscopes. I do know something about the stars and their alignment. I am one. I married one. I keep him in line. Nathaniel suggested I come up with a hook. He's big on themes. So I've given each sign a weapon to use, er, I mean concentrate on. I am not at all condoning violence, I am a staunch liberal! But if you were to feel murderous towards a skanky double Oscar winner anyone (HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING) these are the appropriate weapons if you have the chance to rid the world of her greedy disingenuous 'i'm from a trailer park' ass their sorry existence. Hypothetically.

This is merely a mental exercise like past life regression games with my sister-in-law. It's for entertainment and catharsis, like when you write a passionately venting angry 13 page letter with no intention of ever sending it to Julie Christie the person. It's similar to that. Just something to focus on as you listen to the stars.

Weekly Movie Horoscope
May 3rd -May 9th from your guest astrologist, Annette Bening

Aries (3.21-4.19)
Venus is entering your sign this week and staying for a while which should fire you up sexually and financially. Though hopefully not all at the same time (unless you're a whore) Speaking of which: whips!

Taurus (4.20-5.20)
This week will probably be more unsettling than your routine-loving self will like. Do something to ground yourself. Do it with maybe a shovel. Your should be able to swing that like a pro after Saturday when Mercury enters your sign.

Gemini (5.21-6.20)
This is not the week to put your nose in other people's affairs. This is a rare week where you'll be happier alone. Believe in yourself. Bring along some rope. Good for tying up non-believers or dragging them along behind you.

Cancer (6.21-7.22)
You're being closely watched this week --probably at work or school (Venus is in that House of Career), so... on your guard. The scrutiny might actually be good for you. It'll have to be poison. Odorless, hard to trace, quiet, effective.

Leo (7.23-8.22)
Troubles from the winter should disappear. Spring is ready to kiss--nay, worship you. You'll be feeling ready to roar but don't make too many promises. Do dream big this week. Borrow Sag's bow and arrow. Shoot your shot.

Virgo (8.23-9.22)
Your load should be lightened soon and order restored. Listen to your urges this weekend. Buy something nice for yourself like maybe a heavy candlestick. It's good to have multi-purpose items around in case of emergencies.

Libra (9.23-10.22)
With Venus in your House of Partnerships, your romantic and social life will bloom. Communication is key. Tell people what you want. Annie Wilkes wasn't shy about her feelings. She expressed them with a sledgehammer.

Scorpio (10.23-11.21)
Oh, Scorpio. We know you're salivating thinking "which weapon? which weapon". I don't mean to be perverse but you already have a whole arsenal --you don't need my help. Better that you practice kindness, discipline, and gratitude this week.

Sagittarius (11.22-12.21)
This week is all about pleasure. Yours. Hang on (not too tightly) This week may surprise you. If an acquaintance causes you trouble (and they just might) don't bother with reciprocal name calling ...sticks and stones work better anyway.

Capricorn (12.22-1.19)
Someone in your life needs that generous protective side so don't hold back. Provide it. As for larger issues, rethink your strategies. The Sun and Mercury in Taurus will be helping you get results. You know what else gets results? Guns.

Aquarius (1.20-2.18)
Your patience has been wearing thin lately. Time to blow off steam or just let it go. Use your vaunted imagination to liven things up (especially this weekend) and folks you're with will feel extra playful. Play with fire.

Pisces (2.19-3.20)
Time to raise your expectations of others (be pickier) and yourself (focus on your appearance --think "hot" no matter how lukewarm you feel). The stars are shining on you. Truly. They want your surfaces reflective. Knife, very sharp.

Wish me good luck at next year's Oscars. Peace and love to all...well, to most. *ahem* Share these horoscopes with those in need. You can even e-mail or link below. I am a movie star and I'm all about blessing your little lives however I can.

Bye fans!

tags: Annette Bening, movies, celebrities, horoscope, zodiac, Hilary Swank, Warren Beatty, Shirley Maclaine