Full Moon: Julie Delpy, Parisian Animal

As the decade winds down, vampires have finally begun to reclaim their monster movie throne back from the zombies who ruled for most of the Aughts. When will it ever be the lycanthropes turn? I suppose it doesn't help that werewolves aren't as metaphor-flexible as erotic bloodsuckers or mindless hungry drones. To complicate matters, the metaphors those wolves are arguably best suited for are the ones they almost never touch on (puberty and/or menstrual cycles) since they're usually about adult men. The other rich thematic playground they inhabit, that of mankind conquered by his beastly urges, they have to share with all the other monsters. They're a stepchild monster.

But what can you do? As we wait for The Wolf Man to arrive (February 12th, 2010), I thought we'd celebrate the sexy beasts during the full moon each month.

Julie Delpy as "Serafine" in An American Werewolf in Paris

Embarrassing confession: I used to dislike Julie Delpy. I first saw her in Europa Europa (which I loved at the time) but my next Delpy experience was Three Colors: White which I didn't understand. I consequently shrugged it off as a stumble between the emotionally exquisite Blue and the intellectually thrilling Red. I know I should revisit it now that I'm older. So, get this, I skipped Before Sunrise because I wasn't impressed with her. I didn't see it until 2004. How sick is that?

My third Delpy rendezvous was An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) which didn't help her cause. We first spot the French beauty crying atop the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, it's that kind of movie. She's suicidal and leaps from the architectural "We're in France!" shorthand. But, you know, who am I to judge? It's not like leaping into movies you've already seen and hated for blog fodder isn't masochism, suicide's timid cousin. The French girl leaps but the American in Paris (Tom Everett Scott) saves her from herself with the help of absurd special effects and some fake looking rope. How can rope look fake? It's not like the real stuff is made of gold brick. Prop department, hello?

Soon Tom Everett is involved in all sorts of awkward attempts to win Julie's heart while he and his co-stars indulge in thickheaded fratboy humor. [Tangent! This movie was born in that split second when Hollywood though Tom Everett Scott might happen. The second that immediately followed That Thing You Do! Turns out he's a good fit for television. Have you seen him on Southland?] Scott is shamelessly bad in the movie (on purpose?) but I still kind of love looking at him. I blame the huge puppy eyes and sloppy stung lips.

But back on topic. As with most romantic monster movies, the animalistic side of the supernatural human (Delpy) excites the regular human (Scott) ... even if the human can't quite put his finger on what is so unusual about their object of lust. Scott's dumb American doesn't read the signs even when Delpy starts growling. The plot is the plot and I shan't relay but she saves him from a certain massacre by other werewolves and just in the nick of time. It's a full moon and she's a beastie herself. We see the transformation. Cue requisite yellow contacts.

Werewolf Julie. It's a look.

It's a look. But, it's not a flattering look for the Gallic lovely. Delpy's transformation is accompanied by shirt ripping. Her breasts burst out... Unfortunately for those with the prurient interests that this juvenile movie encourages, the boobies appear to be created by computer technicians rather than the benevolent diety that sculpted the rest of Julie Delpy. So you get boobies but there's more than two of them... just like a dog, get it? And they're hairy. In a stronger movie, this might have been a good sick joke, teasing the horndog audience and punishing them at the same time. But it's over in a flash and the next time we see Delpy she's naked and generous with her body. She's nursing Scott back to health with sex, which kind of defeats the earlier 'be careful what you wish for' hairy bitch joke.

You can touch Julie Delpy's boobs, but then you have to drink
her Human Organ Frappucino. It's a trade-off

poll by twiigs.com

See Delpy knows her dumb stud is becoming a werewolf, too. Lycanthropy is always super contagious in movies. One little scratch and you're howling at the moon monthly for the rest of your days.

Scott doesn't believe her lycanthrope tale but soon he's sniffing out another girl, eating raw meat and howling and growling as he mounts his one night stand. She screams "You're hot" while his body starts to steam, getting ready for the "change". Yeah, it's that kind of movie.

If this sudden inexplicable post about a movie no one remembers reads a little juvenile, please let me blame the movie. The 1997 horror comedy is so dumb and horny that by the end when Scott is fighting an evil werewolf in a subway, I was reading dumb sex jokes into everything.


"Insert" your own punchline here.
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