1965 The Parkers welcome frizzy haired baby girl Sarah Jessica into their fold in Ohio. These kids all sing for their supper. Sarah isn't the only professional kid.
1979 At an over-the-hill 14, Sarah Jessica Parker improbably steps out of the chorus and into the lead role of little Orphan "Annie" in the hit stage musical. Spends a year singing "Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love ya tomorrow. You're only a day away..." [oh, I'm sorry. Is the song stuck in your head now? Think how SJP feels, whiner.]1982 Sarah plays a nerd in TV's "Square Pegs" to the delight of many kids in America. The show is cancelled. In the surprisingly enduring nostalgia for all things 80s, though, Pegs lives on.
1984-1990 After segueing into 80s staples like Footloose & Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! SJP gets lost in two volatile dramas for seven years. The first: the TV market of thankless guest spots and cancelled series. The second: Robert Downey Jr.1991 Her ebullient turn as enema enthusiast "SanDeE*" in Steve Martin's LA Story revitalizes her film career. It leads to a string of films (Miami Rhapsody, Honeymoon in Vegas, Mars Attacks!, Ed Wood, The First Wives Club, 'Til There Was You' and State and Main) that prove her to be a supremely talented comedienne. Meanwhile, everyone politely looks away while she "acts" in dramas (Extreme Measures, Striking Distance.)
1995 In interviews for Miami Rhapsody Sarah Jessica reveals that the goal of her career is to become a 'gay icon like Barbra Streisand or Bette Midler.' Roughly 1095 days later (see: 1998) faerie dust is liberally applied, sending career flying. Call her Sarah 1997 Ladies and gentlemen I give you Mrs. Matthew Broderick --or is it Mr. Sarah Jessica Parker? In the ensuing year...
1998-2004 ...Sex & The City premieres. Even in impractical $500 stilletos it never once trips in the ensuing popculture-quake. Cue: total gay hysteria, HBO subscription fever, fashion trend frenzies, her name used as exclamation point on "Will & Grace", and superstar status bequeathed to Ms. Parker. Dreams do come true (see also: 1995)2006 SJP begins her fight for romantic comedy queendom with Failure to Launch. The bloodied big money crown is currently worn by Reese Witherspoon. It was once seen briefly atop Sandra Bullocks congenial follicles. In the most famous dispute over ownership, it was torn painfully from surgical implantment in Meg Ryan's cranium by the all-devouring mouth of Julia Roberts.
The Broderick-Parkers whisper a prayer to the flat iron gods that "Failure to Launch" is not wielded maliciously as a pun to describe her post-Sex career.
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