The title of this post is indefensible, exclamatory (!) and puerile. But these movies piss me off and if they can be super obnoxious, so can I. Now, in truth, I probably never see the absolute "worst" of the movies that play in theaters since I can pick and choose my own film menu. My New Year's Resolution is to be more constructive when I criticize (I'm not giving up criticism. That's mother's milk). I'd also like to be more positive in 2010.
Thus, I retract the titular command: No negatives of the following movies and performances should be incinerated ... instead let them live on as cautionary tales to actors and filmmakers. People are watching. Try harder.
Worst Supporting Actor
I've already expressed my concerned about the "too much!" of Stanley Tucci's continually nominated performance in The Lovely Bones. I don't know what the hell Richard Gere was doing in Amelia, do you? And I don't want Alan Arkin to do what he was doing in Sunshine Cleaning one more time. You won an Oscar for that performance already. Move on! Other than his suddenly legal elfin beauty, I can't see what Colin Firth could have possibly seen in Nicholas Hoult in A Single Man. In the end though it was clear that this would have to be a group "honor". I considered giving it to Everyone in G.I. Joe, none of whom seem to nail the cartoonishly one-note style that the movie desperately needs (not that they're playing whole octaves either, mind). I wasn't entirely crazy about what Stephen Lang was doing in Avatar but it's exactly what everyone in G.I. Joe needed to be doing. But in the end I have no choice but to hand this to the Muggy McMuggerson twins Jae Head and Ray McKinnon in The Blind Side. I partially blame them for Sandra Bullock's sudden Oscar contention. Standing next to them (and the unfortunately blank Quinton Aaron as "Michael Oher") she looks like some kind of genius dramatist. I guess that's a new way to be a "supporting" actor.
I've already expressed my concerned about the "too much!" of Stanley Tucci's continually nominated performance in The Lovely Bones. I don't know what the hell Richard Gere was doing in Amelia, do you? And I don't want Alan Arkin to do what he was doing in Sunshine Cleaning one more time. You won an Oscar for that performance already. Move on! Other than his suddenly legal elfin beauty, I can't see what Colin Firth could have possibly seen in Nicholas Hoult in A Single Man. In the end though it was clear that this would have to be a group "honor". I considered giving it to Everyone in G.I. Joe, none of whom seem to nail the cartoonishly one-note style that the movie desperately needs (not that they're playing whole octaves either, mind). I wasn't entirely crazy about what Stephen Lang was doing in Avatar but it's exactly what everyone in G.I. Joe needed to be doing. But in the end I have no choice but to hand this to the Muggy McMuggerson twins Jae Head and Ray McKinnon in The Blind Side. I partially blame them for Sandra Bullock's sudden Oscar contention. Standing next to them (and the unfortunately blank Quinton Aaron as "Michael Oher") she looks like some kind of genius dramatist. I guess that's a new way to be a "supporting" actor.
Worst Supporting Actress
Rachel McAdams seems completely lost in Sherlock Holmes, doesn't she? I love Jenny Beavan's costumes in the movie but Rachel seems lost inside of them. I got nothing from that performance. Nothing! I can barely remember her in the movie and I saw it one week ago. It breaks my hard to express my dismay about Betty White in The Proposal ("too much!") because she's practically our collective grandmother and she's absolutely my favorite Golden Girl. But this dishonor goes no contest to Rose Byrne an actress I have never warmed too. That said, she's not usually flat out awful the way she is in her shrill performance in Knowing. [spoiler] I wasn't so sad when the world ended because at least that meant I was rid of Rose Byrne and Nicolas Cage.
Rachel McAdams seems completely lost in Sherlock Holmes, doesn't she? I love Jenny Beavan's costumes in the movie but Rachel seems lost inside of them. I got nothing from that performance. Nothing! I can barely remember her in the movie and I saw it one week ago. It breaks my hard to express my dismay about Betty White in The Proposal ("too much!") because she's practically our collective grandmother and she's absolutely my favorite Golden Girl. But this dishonor goes no contest to Rose Byrne an actress I have never warmed too. That said, she's not usually flat out awful the way she is in her shrill performance in Knowing. [spoiler] I wasn't so sad when the world ended because at least that meant I was rid of Rose Byrne and Nicolas Cage.
Worst Actor
I dedicate this award to Nicolas Cage but I'm not actually giving him the prize for Knowing (in which he is typically terrible) because, he's won too many of these already. Plus I hear he's lunatic inspired in Bad Lieutenant Port of Call New Orleans and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt since Werner Herzog is directing him. Herzog is, as you know, quite good with certifiable movie stars (See also: Klaus Kinski). Larry David made me bonkers in Whatever Works because he doesn't modify his schtick at all to suit a different writer's voice and he's even less believeable as a romantic lead to young beautiful women than Woody Allen ever was. I wish Hugh Jackman had remembered to have fun as Wolverine in that X-Men Origins dirge. He was better the other three times he played the role. But the loser here is Channing Tatum as "Duke" in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra because I think he thinks that the movie was a drama. Oops. He is stupid hot. And I mean both adjectives emphatically.
I dedicate this award to Nicolas Cage but I'm not actually giving him the prize for Knowing (in which he is typically terrible) because, he's won too many of these already. Plus I hear he's lunatic inspired in Bad Lieutenant Port of Call New Orleans and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt since Werner Herzog is directing him. Herzog is, as you know, quite good with certifiable movie stars (See also: Klaus Kinski). Larry David made me bonkers in Whatever Works because he doesn't modify his schtick at all to suit a different writer's voice and he's even less believeable as a romantic lead to young beautiful women than Woody Allen ever was. I wish Hugh Jackman had remembered to have fun as Wolverine in that X-Men Origins dirge. He was better the other three times he played the role. But the loser here is Channing Tatum as "Duke" in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra because I think he thinks that the movie was a drama. Oops. He is stupid hot. And I mean both adjectives emphatically.
Worst ActressI seem to be in the distinct minority that would rather watch almost anything other than Kristen Stewart's mopey twitching ... even in Adventureland but I've already talked about that. It's too obvious to tell you that I thought Hilary Swank was embarrassing in Amelia but, so what, I did. She was stiff, stilted and sexless in a movie that needed an actress with spontaneity and fire. But this one is no contest: Hayden Panetierre plays the title role in I Love You Beth Cooper. Beth is a standard spoiled beauty who discovers that a less attractive 'loser' has real soul (funny how that's always happening in movies. I wonder who the movies are made for?) Panetierre can't even manage this stock character that thousands of actresses have explained how to play for the past century of film.
Hell's Multiplex
The Worst Pictures of the Year
10 Fighting
I still giggle when I think of Joe Reid's brilliant take on this Channing Tatum is a streetfighter drama. Is it really a comedy about retarded men having hardcore gay sex? If that's what the filmmakers intended maybe it's a masterpiece and it belongs on next week's Top Ten list?
I still giggle when I think of Joe Reid's brilliant take on this Channing Tatum is a streetfighter drama. Is it really a comedy about retarded men having hardcore gay sex? If that's what the filmmakers intended maybe it's a masterpiece and it belongs on next week's Top Ten list?
Hugh gives Channing the beat down
09 X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Greedily hordes all the well known pitfalls of inferior superhero movies like they're actually merit badges: operatically self important, humorless, needlessly complicated backstories, the introduction of so many characters that none resonate, battles for battles sake, invulnerable characters that rob fight scenes of any actual drama... Note to filmmakers: if people cannot be killed or even injured it is SUPER boring to watch them fight. Unless the set pieces are insanely creative or well choreographed and these aren't. I will always love the X-Men. I grew up reading them. But the past two pictures have unfortunately cured me of all desire to see them on the silver screen.
08 The Lovely Bones
Greedily hordes all the well known pitfalls of inferior superhero movies like they're actually merit badges: operatically self important, humorless, needlessly complicated backstories, the introduction of so many characters that none resonate, battles for battles sake, invulnerable characters that rob fight scenes of any actual drama... Note to filmmakers: if people cannot be killed or even injured it is SUPER boring to watch them fight. Unless the set pieces are insanely creative or well choreographed and these aren't. I will always love the X-Men. I grew up reading them. But the past two pictures have unfortunately cured me of all desire to see them on the silver screen.
08 The Lovely Bones
Peter Jackson's nadir. Garishly colorful when it needs the beauty of a simpler palette, entirely negligent about tracking the true heart of its drama (a family torn asunder), weirdly repetitive about its most obvious plot points, lazy with emotional shortcuts and telegraphed character details. In short, a disaster. Most hated moment: [Spoiler] Did we really have to equate Susie Salmon's cathartic posthumous first kiss (which she's happy about by the way) with the extended coundtown scene of her mutilated dead body being rolled towards a garbage dump? It's the worst and ickiest cross cutting I've seen in a movie since Eric Bana's orgasm in Munich but at least the latter made a solid narrative point.
04 Push (Not Based on the Novel by Sapphire)
I don't often watch movies and think 'this would be way better as a TV series' but...yeah. Push spends a lot of time (a lot) setting up the mythology of an evil corporation that experiments and tries to control people with psychic powers. The prologue itself felt like it should have been extended by a half hour and function as a "pilot". But even accepting that they decided to make this convoluted premise into a stand alone movie, it's a huge inept mess. It rarely goes for laughs but I couldn't help laughing at one recurring gaffe. Every single time someone used one of their powers in a crowded room the extras mysteriously disappeared. I suspect they couldn't afford the extras for more complex special effects shots but you can't really show them in a scene and then make a quick edit to the same set with special effects occuring and remove the extras and not have the audience noticing the mass vanishing, you know? Worse yet this occurs in the climactic battle. A "pusher" is controlling a small group of armed men. It's actually a cool effect as she turns them like synchronized soldiers to attack any opponent. Then the emotional climax occurs. They're surrounding her like bodyguards in the medium shot, there's some close up drama and suddenly they're not in the scene any more. What... the... hell?
The third stupidest thing I saw in a movie this year: The recurring visual of a "bleeder", whose power is screaming really loud until people die from internal bleeding, removing his sunglasses so that he can scream (f/x magic makes his eyes crazy). Apparently you can't scream while you're wearing glasses. Who knew?
03 G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
The stupidest thing I saw in any movie this year: constant fiery explosions UNDER WATER.
The second stupidest thing I saw this year (regarding movies): abundant people trying to make thumbs up excuses for this movie. Thank god that James Cameron finally came back to the cinema to remind people that action films can be thrilling and fun ... especially when you can actually follow what's happening and there's some beauty and style to the big booms.
02 The Ugly Truth Over the past few weeks I've been trying to catch up with films I'd missed during the year. I've rediscovered something I knew already: it can be easier to watch mediocre or outright bad movies than quality films. I suspect this is why the box office charts are so often littered with disposable junk. Bad and/or unambitious movies require almost nothing from their audience. But if you're not in the right frame of mind, a quality movie's best attributes may slip right by you. I suspect this is why more complicated movies often get the dread "boring" tag from the general public. Junk is easy to engage with on superficial levels if you're feeling tired, stressed, distracted or not completely on top of your game... and who doesn't feel those things regularly? But when a movie is reallllllllly bad and offensive, none of this applies. It can prove very difficult to watch. I actually briefly hated the cinema (my great love!) when the credits rolled on this one.
Who knew that Tom Cruise's 'sperm receptacle' nastiness in Magnolia could actually be played straight for romantic comedy. And that audiences were expected to sign on and swoon? I'd name this the worst movie of the year but for the saving grace/problem of Katherine Heigl. She is actually a natural at romantic comedy but she's totally using her powers for evil. She called Knocked Up out on its sexism and then made this...?
01
I've already said my piece on Hayden earlier. But I would like to add that after the Home Alone franchise's elaborate pain-making slapstick and this movie's insanely violent "funny" moments (people wouldn't live through these things in real life) I do worry about writer/director Chris Columbus's sadistic streak. Maybe he should make a horror movie instead of all these sentimental pictures. He definitely likes to inflict pain.
*
Whew. Got that out of my system. I'm nice from here on out as I pass out the FB Awards starting next week.
But before we get to the top ten movies of 2009 which movies made you crazy hateful this past year... which prompted your own berzerker rage? And if you love any of the movies I just barked at ... what's wrong with you? (Joking! Don't freak out) If you love any of these movies... teach us how to love them more.
*
